Leap in, the net will appear.

Bismillah ir Rahman ir Raheem.

Assalam alaikum wr wb.

I'm so scared right now.

I'm writing this film with a friend of mine - let's call him Alan. In fact, we became friends so that we can work on this film.

This is everything I ever wanted and now I'm scared - I wish I could say s***less, but honestly, the anxiety is doing its magic on my digestive system so that's not entirely true.

Writing has become such a pain for me. It just doesn't give me any joy anymore. I'm fairly sure it's because of the anxiety and because me and Alan are working to a quite a tight deadline. We want to enter the film into the Dubai International Film Festival and the deadline for submissions is August 31st. Yeah. So no time for mucking around.

Using Don Roos' technique, so far I'm managing about an hour a day. Last week, I was struggling with my panic attack, I faltered. So that's about four days lost I think. I've picked it up again.

I think the trick is not beating myself up and just doing that hour everyday and congratulating myself for it. I have gone weeks and months without writing a word. Writing even a little everyday is a good thing.

Yesterday, my brother and mother told me that I should focus on one thing and not proliferate the way I am at the moment, trying to do comedy and write screenplays and make movies AND be a journalist.

I really do want to write comedy. That is certain Alhamdulillah. Yesterday at my comedy class, I laughed with real mirth for the first time in a long time. I want to share that laughter with other people. I want to give that laughter to other people.

Giving has been very hard lately.

"Leap in, the net will appear", Jason Mraz says and he seems to be doing great. I have leaped. I'm writing a comedy screenplay. I'm taking comedy classes. It could be a serious hobby while I make money and fashion a career in journalism which has more immediate rewards. It is still writing and still socially conscious.

Good God. But it looks like copywriting jobs are more plentiful and easy to get - especially since Alan works at an advertising agency and offered to help. He's a nice guy. I hope he doesn't lose that humility if he ever makes it big in Bollywood.

What can I do? What can I do?

I also have the feeling that Dubai is not my home anymore. One of the words for "home" in Arabic is "maskan", the root of which is sakeen (if I'm not mistaken), meaning tranquility and peace. Security. Comfort.

I've not felt these things in this city. I've not felt these things with my family. So I must leave. It's the only logical solution.

But I'm afraid that I'll take my rebellious body with me wherever I go and I'll never find my maskan.

Wassalam and Fee Amanillah,
Zed.