Yo, New Year! Part Deux – The Cheer!

Bismillah-ir-Rahman-ir-Raheem

Assalam alaikum wr wb,

It's been a year of self-hatred, (emotional) self-harm, self-love and ultimately, self-discovery. Basically, it's been a year of self Subhanallah!

I started the year somewhat unmoored after a messy break-up. My life had reached new lows and I saw no way of ever reaching the light. Just to get all of the anger and confusion out of my system, I wrote a science fiction story, the most detailed ambitious story I have written to date. I'm really proud of it and if I ever meet my ex again, I will thank him for helping me break a few of my creative barriers. Right after punching him in the face and kicking him in the dangly bits.

I got my first job. With it came money, the first I'd ever earned from the sweat of my brow, new friends, new meaning and new headaches. I've discovered that the career I fell into to placate my mother is also a career that appeals the most to the curious cat, the rabble-rouser and the moral avenger in me.

But I am also a writer, a reader and an audience member. I've learnt that, at this particular time, intense emotional bursts have more power to me than long-winded meandering explanations. I recently started to read Mrs. Dalloway, but got really annoyed with her whole stream-of-consciousness shtick. I think it's an excuse to not write a complete sentence and not have to edit.

After getting the use of my eyes back from my ex-fiance, I have let them wander and picked up on so many things I was too frightened to notice before - the kinky way people might walk, talk, a tell-tale sign of frustration, despair or barely suppressed excitement. For now, I have a taste for the theatrical and the epic, so Bollywood films, murder mysteries, Supernatural and The Fall (by Tarsem Singh) really floats my boat.

I've learnt that the drugs don't work and I need to be the change I would like to see in the world. That means living my values instead of simply believing in them.

I've learnt that I desperately want a child, especially a little boy.

The best and most fulfilling lesson of all is this – love. Love takes many forms and all of them can be life-sustaining once you accord them their due respect. I have learnt to love my mommy and daddy with no boundaries. Like Eckhart Tolle expounded, I've learnt to bring no preconceptions to any encounter I have, to break the pattern and let each day take its course. I've learnt to love my brother, my friends, my co-workers and – hardest of all – myself.

I'm alright, you know. I'm not that bad. I have idiosyncrasies, but nothing illegal or life-threatening.

You know what else I've gained this past year? 10 kilos! But I've started belly-dancing and even though society is not and has never been on my side on this issue, I really truly love my body, more than I've ever loved it. Alhamdulillah!

I've also learned that men are not the source of all evil. This time last year, I was firmly entrenched in my belief that the world expects far too little of its young men and rewards them far too well for their achievements and vice versa for its women. Hence a woman's work is never done and a man never really has to do anything. Men's faults are given new names – "ambition", "determination" or other similar crap. Now I've realised that women are just as likely to be turds as men – thank you Rochelle and the office manager, Mona. The world is an unfair place and sometimes good people (of both sexes) are made to wallow in the muck at the bottom of the bucket, while people (of both sexes) with the ugliest souls rise to the top. Life is a test from God. It's something Muslims have been told since we were kids, I suppose, but really you don't really understand the implications of true belief in God till you reach adulthood.

I have learnt this past year that being a Muslim means submitting your will to the will of Allah. That means being content with His Decree. With that contentment comes inner peace, since the days rotate in bringing happiness and sorrow and this world's pleasures are fleeting anyway.

I've learnt that there are many things that I don't know.

I don't know how to write a boring character – I'm so taken with colour that I cannot understand monotony.
I don't know how to be patient and control my frighteningly bad temper.
I don't know how to communicate assertively.
I don't know how to manage my time effectively.
I don't know how to manage change or the unknown.

Well, at least I know that I don't know.

So these are my New Year's resolutions for 2009 Insha Allah:

I will start freelancing.
I will relearn French and continue my studies in Arabic.
I will begin to learn Hindi
I will see a Cirque Du Soleil show.
I will visit a country I haven't visited before – Turkey, China.
And most importantly, I will communicate more assertively – it will be better for my life and my faith.

With Allah's help, I will achieve the above.

Wassalam and Fee Amanillah,
Zed.